


Domestic Horcrux Chase

by Katecong



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cliche, Crack, Gen, M/M, Trolls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:54:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24805027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katecong/pseuds/Katecong
Summary: Alternative title: Resurrection Race Reunion Ruse. Together they about sum it up. You might have to squint for Snarry, but please do so
Relationships: Harry Potter/Severus Snape
Kudos: 7





	Domestic Horcrux Chase

DOMESTIC HORCRUX CHASE  
(Resurrection Race Reunion Race)  
(Мой прелестный гадюшник)  
(Всё уже проспойлерено, да?)

Location: Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts  
Time: year 2017 or whereabouts  
*door opens* *sensible shoe heels clicking* *dragonhide boots, 1990s-make, delicately stomping* *invisibility cloak rustling* *mega eye-twinkle* *full-body eyeroll* (or is it half-body? depends on the portrait) *colossal snore*  
MINERVA MCGONAGALL(mutters): Welcome not welcome, Lord Malfoy. Congratulations on your untimely release  
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE PORTRAIT: Please refrain from pressing your lips into such a tight line, Minerva. You're a halfway to becoming a thing-in-itself  
MM: Wlcm nt wlcm x-mmbr f brd f gvrnrs (coughs) and freshly reformed criminal. I'll leave you to it, gentlemen  
*sensible shoe indignant clucking receding*  
SEVERUS SNAPE PORTRAIT: Lucius, my striped friend. I would think you'd get weary of Azkaban fashions, yet what do I see  
LUCIUS MALFOY: Too much obedience from a living man, too much cheek from a portrait. How predictable, my half-sized friend  
*painted teeth gnashing*  
LM: That would be, for your information, a part of Ms. Parkinson's new line. Fresh trend, catching on quickly. Too quickly, I must say, just the other day Potter Sr. at the Ministry was wearing exactly the same piece, only less fitting  
SSP: Or maybe not so reformed after all. Tell me, dear Lucius, don't you miss dabbling in the Dark Arts?  
ADP (very quietly): Severus, kindly let me do the talking. It looks like in the face of Ms. Parkinson we have a fierce competitor on our hands. Tread carefully but stay in character, you know the drill, my boy (louder) Accept our humble apologies, Mr. Malfoy. Forgive the two bored portraits, seeking, if you will, entertainment. And by that, Lucius, I hope after all this time I can be granted permission to call you that, I mean entertainment of the highest order in not forbidden, but ambiguous territories. Hence our urgent call and, most assuredly, not only not at your expense, but for your gain  
SSP (not quite quietly): And for the greater good. You're layering it on too thick, old codger. He might just lose the thread, Azkaban and all  
LM (heatedly): Don't underestimate the Malfoy name, half-bl... half-size (more collectedly) What exactly do you propose, gentlemen? The Dark Arts sound tempting, but being on parole I would rather decline. The ambiguous territory part requires more detail  
ADP: We have requested your confidential presence here, dear Lucius  
SSP: Confidential, my non-existent foot. My spying was more confidential than that  
ADP (more insistently): Being in dire need of your experience in resurrection  
LM: No  
ADP: Resurrection of a lauded hero of the Wizarding World  
LM: No. Just saw him yesterday, alive and well, strutting in that very copy of my outfit, paunch showing  
SSP: Well that was below the belt  
ADP: but I mean Severus! We need to bring Severus to life!  
LM (at his best to conceal his sudden interest): ... Go on  
ADP: Minerva will shower you with kisses. Oh not that  
SSP: Losing touch, neighbour  
ADP: The Ministry will return your library in one piece. Maybe two  
LM: Better  
ADP: Your reputation, no offense Lucius, needs some grease to skythestral, and the perfect chance of that is right under  
LM: Much better. Anything else I need to know?  
ADP (conspiratorial whisper): The Harry Potter question  
LM: Accepted. There is no need to convince me further  
SSP (accent shifting): Ew. Accepted just like that? Didn't even ask if I had a horcrux stashed somewhere? Losing touch, loser  
LM: Albus, and it is my pleasure to call you that, if you would  
ADP: Lucius, please be understanding. Severus has been a trifle itchy with the hopes of  
LM: Back to the topic at hand, gentlemen. Where is it?  
SSP (RP and composure back in place): Horcrux, 1 item, currently residing in the home of a Mrs. Figg, squib, her favourite kneazle  
LM: Favourite? How many has she got in total?  
SSP: About fifteen at the moment, I presume. Not counting just cats  
*blond hair darkening a little with the cringe*  
LM: Which one will it be?  
SSP: Striped like yourself  
LM: Severus. Why. A. Kneazle. In. A. Crazy. Cat. Lady's. House?  
SSP: Firstly, it is. Not. A. Snake. Secondly, that's the last place to look for a horcrux, isn't it?  
LM: ... Next. Father's bone, 1 item  
SSP: Ah here's the catch. Last time I checked, that was yesterday mind you, my stellar father was still very much alive in a nursing home somewhere in Yorkshire, giving the personnel a run for their money  
ADP: Lucius, you're on parole  
SSP (silkily): And he's rather violent when sober. On second thought, we could employ the muggle DNA method  
LM, ADP: The what?  
SSP (condescendingly): It does not need to be a bone. Just some of my father... material  
*repeated eye-twitch, darkening the blond hair even further*  
SSP: There's no need for dramatics. In the basement of my home there's a box inscribed 'Tobias the Turd'  
LM: How childish  
SSP: We were children. And there are some empty whiskey bottles inside. All you have to do is drop by the local corner chemist's for a pack of cotton swabs to collect the sample from any bottleneck  
ADP (lovingly): The Muggle Studies professor's company has done you a lot of good, Severus  
SSP: Just don't attempt to sniff, let alone drink from any of those, I still value your life  
LM: You said your father was alive! I assume he drank from those  
SSP: I told you we were too little, about seven or eight! The poison turned out weaker than we'd expected!  
*major understanding eye-lock*  
SSP (slowly): Come to think of it, the foxgloves proportions were perfectly calculated  
ADP (hands clapping): There's a good girl! A most elegant set up!  
SSP (a double sniff masquerading as just a sniff): Totally worthy of  
LM: Excuse me for interrupting such a precious moment, but where is your house exactly if it's still standing?  
SSP: Spinner's End. Narcissa should know, she's been there  
LM (instantly suspicious): And how did that come about Severus?  
SSP (back to his sunny self, you guessed): To keep the intrigue, let us just say you were indisposed at the time  
LM: ... I shall let it slide at the moment. Enough. Next, servant's flesh given willingly, amount unspecified  
SSP: Another catch Lucius. I've never had any  
ADP: As I remember from your student days Lucius, you were not opposed to an occasional roleplay. That might just do  
LM (sarcastically): And how may I serve my lord now?  
SSP: You may wipe the dust from my frame with your trendy outfit. Merlin knows, the house elves always forget  
LM (still more sarcastically): And which part of my flesh does my lord wish to have now?  
SSP (fiercely blushing): ... Whichever you have available my trusty servant  
LM: I believe something will be left from that legion of cotton swabs, and rest assured master, your trusty servant will come up with the best... muggle DNA material  
*Professor Longbottom's tomato greenhouse has just been catapulted straight into the Hedmaster's Office*  
SSP: For your... desire to serve... you are allowed to stir the regeneration potion any way you see fit  
LM: Such an honour bestowed on a humble... (changing tone and snapping one of McGonagall's quills in half) Last on the agenda, enemy's blood, 1 something, I'll look it up as soon as the library is returned  
ADP (waking up): Child's play here, Lucius. The lovely Ms. Parkinson of course  
SSP: I find her new robe line a bit too... flashy for comfort. Enough to be out for her blood.  
LM (hopefully): How about Potter instead? He is a celebrity regular of hers. And he still hasn't paid you a due visit, has he? Cheek does not even begin to cover it  
SSP: Oh Lucius, the imbecilic boy is probably still composing his passionate speech. Leave him alone. He is too ashamed and boring for words anyway. Let's settle for Parkinson  
LM: Mm, agreed. On that note I am off for a change of garment and I have some cotton swabs to grab and a kneazle to obtain  
ADP: Give our best regards to your family Lucius and good luck with the... whatever  
*the dragonhide boots yielding a twinge of stagger on the outgo* *invisibility cloak rustling in their stead*  
CLOAK OWNER: My father will hear about this!  
*door bangs shut*  
SSP: I am counting on that. My trusty namesake  
the end


End file.
